Mind everywhere

Should warn you that this blog may be a tid bit random. LOL. I am in a pretty scatter brained mood but will do my best to keep it fairly organized.

One thing I noticed is that public transportation in NYC is SOOOOO much better then it is in the Baltimore area. For one thing there are more pick up times for the bus then every half hour and every hour. The buses here pick up between every 5 and 15 minutes. It's nuts! Not only do they have buses that are more frequent but they also have a subway that goes pretty much anywhere. In Baltimore they have the light rail but that only goes to certain places not all over the Baltimore area.

Speaking of Baltimore... There is a reason that people there are called Baltimorons... They can't drive half the time and when there is a weather condition other then sunny they drive like they have never seen rain or snow before. It is infuriating and I don't even drive.

So the Lincoln tunnel something needs to be done about this. I do not understand how it can always be so congested at 7 at night. The first time through it I spent and hour in it and the second time a half hour. I know it is a long tunnel but it really isn't that long that it takes a half hour to get through. I could probably walk through it faster then that.

Music and movies are awesome things. Specially when you are at a residence by yourself. The noise of people talking/singing kinda helps you feel a little less alone. I don't know why. I mean I know that the people singing/talking are not in my apartment but it still seems to make it feel a little less lonely.

I have finally found time to get back to reading. This has been a challenge lately but I am so excited that I was able to get back to my book.

Yes see I am scatter brained. I have a million and a half things running through my head at any given time. It is enough to drive a person insane. Somehow I manage to keep sane well saner than commit-ably insane. LOL. Kinda helps that when I spend time with my boyfriend my mind tends to go blank. I mean I still think things but it slows down the pace. It is not so insanely hyper and chaotic. It is a strange phenomena that seems to occur. Anyone that has known me for any length of time will tell you that my mind never stops and that I am rarely able to clear my mind.

Well I think I shall end this so that you no longer have to deal with my rambling. Till next time.

"I just want you to know who I am..."- Goo Goo Dolls "Iris"

Honest

So I recently was having a discussion with someone and it was pretty light hearted and then they asked me a question. A question they said they were asking me because they wanted a honest answer and they knew that I would give them that. I said alright... Question was asked... I answered... they got upset because it was not the answer they wanted. They then told me I needed to learn some tact. Wait... what??? you came to ME because you know that out of everyone you know I will be the most honest and not bs or sugarcoat but when you don't like the honest answer you get upset with me??? Folks sometimes the truth hurts. I know this. I have been hurt by it a few times. Just because you don't like it doesn't make it any less honest or truthful though. If you ask a question of me expect me to be nothing but HONEST. I hate lying and actually pretty much can't lie. It's not like Pinnochio whose nose grows but it is still really obvious when I try to so I don't.

If you want an honest answer ask an honest person if you want what you want to hear ask a liar. Personally I would prefer someone be honest with me over lying to spare my feelings. Maybe I am just strange though.

"It is not the years in your life that matter but the life in your years"- Abraham Lincoln

Quit attempt fail

So yet again I tried to quit smoking and yet again it did not happen for me. I had a doctor tell me once that to quit would be dangerous because while smoking my blood pressure is low. I thought that she had to be full of it because I never thought a doc would tell someone to KEEP on smoking. Well with this quit attempt I found out that she was right. I went a full day with not smoking and then started getting real bad chest pains and put my hand over my heart and could barely feel it beating and tried to find the pulse at the wrist and couldn't find it cause of how faint it was. The chest pains won out over my desire to quit. I am pretty bummed out about this. My good friend is trying to convince me that I should not feel bad about it that it is a health reason and not just cause I didn't try but still. sigh. If only I could find a way to raise my blood pressure then I could possibly quit.

Terrible awful no good very bad day

Yes I totally used a children's book title for the title of this blog. It seemed appropriate for the type of day I have had today. If you read this blog you know I hate to write those angsty woe is me type blogs but I need to vent and this seemed the best place to do it. Plus I know people don't actually read this with regularity anyway so whatever.

Last night I saw a memo from the complex saying that there is a peeping tom around my complex. Now my window shades are always down because I caught one of the neighbor kids looking in the windows to see if me and my roommate were home. It is not so much that I am worried about some perv looking in my window and seeing me so much as there is some creeper around my place of residence. Some creeper that as of now has not been caught. I also have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) that is very security based. This means that there was not much in the way of sleep for me last night.

I wake up and just get completely smacked in the face by everything going on in my life. As stated in my last blog I am insanely busy to the point where I feel my mind is going to shatter before the semester even comes to a close. I think it did that today. My roommate griped about having to clean up when I said I would before I left for NYC. I lost it. I said some mean things and all which was uncalled for. I apologized but I am still mad at myself for doing so.

As for getting smacked in the face by life, I just mean that I woke up and realized just how f**ked up everything seems to be. I may lose my financial aid at the end of semester. The reason I dropped to many classes. I dropped my classes to be able to leave an abusive boyfriend and now I am being penalized for that decision. GREAT! (<-- obviously sarcasm) . Then I think about how one of my younger sisters is effectively cutting me out of my family. My mother and grandmother who never miss coming to see me for my birthday will not be coming this year. I have a feeling I know why. It is my younger sister and the fact that due to a hurricane and maryland being put in a state of emergency for same hurricane I could not make my mother's surprise birthday party. Forget the fact that there was a hurricane and state of emergency to deal with my sisters also only told me of the part 2 weeks in advance. I got the official invite 2 or 3 days before the actual party date. Then I catch all sorts of flack from my family for not being in attendance. FML! My roommate is also better at living alone then living with people as he has said that is how he prefers to live and has said a couple times that he wants me to move out sooner rather then later. Meanwhile I have no money, barely have a job and no place to go. YAY for stress (again sarcasm)!

The only thing that has helped me keep my sanity in tact at the moment is that my boyfriend has been texting me and trying to help me figure stuff out and what I can do about things. He has been amazing and supportive and that has helped to keep me from just saying f*ck it all and disappearing again. I tend to do that when things go real bad. Just go and disappear and not show up on anyones radars and only come back again when I feel I can handle crap again. Usually that is my last resort and I was so close to that today it wasn't even funny.

Well if you have read this whole thing thanks i guess and sorry for the angsty venting blog. Future ones hopefully will be a bit more like what I usually write.

"Monsters are real, ghosts are too. They live inside each of us and sometimes they win."- Stephen King

Been a long time

Ok so I know that it has been awhile since I posted anything. Life has been super busy and there just hasn't really been all that much to post about. That kinda sounds weird even to me that my life is chaotically busy yet I didn't see much to write about. Well... Allow me to catch you up to speed.

First and foremost classes have started back up for the semester. This is a huge chunk of my time. Not that my classes are forever and a day long or everyday but they way I made my schedule kinda sucks and was dumb. I have classes Tuesday from 11am-2pm and on Thursday 11am-2pm and then 5:45-8:45pm. I used to have a class Wednesdays as well but I dropped that because the teacher was abusive(will get to that in a moment). Now my schedule being what it is kills my work availability which is why I work for the college I attend and make my own schedule week to week. On top of my classes I have clubs as well. There is the Women's Studies Club which I am the president of which comes with a good bit of work. I also am the Vice President of Scholarship for my schools chapter of Phi Theta Kappa (if you are just tuning into this program that is NOT a sorority it is the International Honor Society of 2 year colleges) which comes with double the work of the other position within a club I hold. I am also (not active yet) a member of the Multicultural Student Association on campus. I say not active yet because they meet on Fridays and I have as of yet been unable to attend a meeting but plan to in the near future. All of this stuff for school is a lot and keeps me very busy and also stresses me out at times.

Back to the abusive teacher so you have the scoop on that. I was taking Arabic 101. My professor is a native speaker. She would berate me in front of the class if I was wrong and would say that it is easy and I should get it. By the end of the FIRST class I was in tears and the day of the second class I dropped it. I had to. I was actually getting severely anxious to the point of hives and feeling as though I would puke. But that is enough about that drama.

LARP is still going on which is one reason I have not completely lost it as of yet. Getting to beat people in the woods all weekend with plumbing supplies is a great way to release stress. Luckily the chapter I primarily play is having winter events and that means that I can play till the end of semester. YAY!

LARP leads to the last little tidbit of information that I will share this evening(morning since it is 4 am). I am no longer single. This to me and a few people that know me is nearly nothing short of a minor miracle. As many of my good and close friends know I was pretty much at the point of giving up on dating completely and then I went to a LARP event. I met an awesome guy who is so different from other guys (A**holes) I have dated that I am scared that I will fuck it up though I am kinda sure that I won't I am pretty insecure so I always second guess when I believe that I won't. He is a gentleman and I have come to find out that chivalry is not completely dead just on life support but alive and well in a few guys. Only thing I don't like about the relationship is the distance. It's a 4 hour bus ride to see him and well with life being so busy for me it is really hard to make the trip up there. I think that the distance though is not going to be too big an issue. Well I need to head out for the night so I can study for midterm tomorrow and not be like a zombie.

Remember "To thine own self be true" and there is "No day but today"