Last night I saw a memo from the complex saying that there is a peeping tom around my complex. Now my window shades are always down because I caught one of the neighbor kids looking in the windows to see if me and my roommate were home. It is not so much that I am worried about some perv looking in my window and seeing me so much as there is some creeper around my place of residence. Some creeper that as of now has not been caught. I also have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) that is very security based. This means that there was not much in the way of sleep for me last night.
I wake up and just get completely smacked in the face by everything going on in my life. As stated in my last blog I am insanely busy to the point where I feel my mind is going to shatter before the semester even comes to a close. I think it did that today. My roommate griped about having to clean up when I said I would before I left for NYC. I lost it. I said some mean things and all which was uncalled for. I apologized but I am still mad at myself for doing so.
As for getting smacked in the face by life, I just mean that I woke up and realized just how f**ked up everything seems to be. I may lose my financial aid at the end of semester. The reason I dropped to many classes. I dropped my classes to be able to leave an abusive boyfriend and now I am being penalized for that decision. GREAT! (<-- obviously sarcasm) . Then I think about how one of my younger sisters is effectively cutting me out of my family. My mother and grandmother who never miss coming to see me for my birthday will not be coming this year. I have a feeling I know why. It is my younger sister and the fact that due to a hurricane and maryland being put in a state of emergency for same hurricane I could not make my mother's surprise birthday party. Forget the fact that there was a hurricane and state of emergency to deal with my sisters also only told me of the part 2 weeks in advance. I got the official invite 2 or 3 days before the actual party date. Then I catch all sorts of flack from my family for not being in attendance. FML! My roommate is also better at living alone then living with people as he has said that is how he prefers to live and has said a couple times that he wants me to move out sooner rather then later. Meanwhile I have no money, barely have a job and no place to go. YAY for stress (again sarcasm)!
The only thing that has helped me keep my sanity in tact at the moment is that my boyfriend has been texting me and trying to help me figure stuff out and what I can do about things. He has been amazing and supportive and that has helped to keep me from just saying f*ck it all and disappearing again. I tend to do that when things go real bad. Just go and disappear and not show up on anyones radars and only come back again when I feel I can handle crap again. Usually that is my last resort and I was so close to that today it wasn't even funny.
Well if you have read this whole thing thanks i guess and sorry for the angsty venting blog. Future ones hopefully will be a bit more like what I usually write.
"Monsters are real, ghosts are too. They live inside each of us and sometimes they win."- Stephen King
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment